really?

three things i need to elaborate on.

1) one of the reasons it may be difficult for students in such a small setting is their behavior and every move is much more easily monitored. the little things they normally get away with are noticeable in such a small setting. pair that with add, adhd, weirdos, and you get some kids that aren't able to handle it all the time.

2) teachers that tough talk 3rd graders and behaviors like that. really? f-you and you shouldn't have become a teacher if you can't handle kids that have attitude. nice life, you really put that kid in his place today.

3) standardized testing vs. not teaching to the test. also, special ed. students being required to complete the same material, tests, and assessments as regular ed. students. does that, in very simple terms, not completely defeat the purpose of special ed.? i understand that assessment are necessary, but the same ones that the students who are not in special ed. are taking. are you f-ing kidding me?

speeding towards thanksgiving

been a long while since last post. ultimate season was weighing pretty heavily on my mind and didn't really take much time to think about teaching this past 2 months.

i told myself, once ultimate season is done, i will really be able to focus on teaching. now i am simply focused on being lazy. doesn't really follow the plan, but oh well.

students are still doing pretty well. the girls have resorted to being brats about 60% of the times, but i can handle that. overall, still pretty impressed with their overall attitude and ability to try new things.

i have said it many times before, maybe this time i will stick to it. i really want to be posting on here at least 3 times a week.

keep your dick in your pants

each afternoon, i drop my 5th graders off in their classroom and spend about an hour working with a boy in kindergarten. he is adorable, has a speech impediment, and has actually been described as looking a lot like me by more than a few teachers. for the purpose of this writing, he will be george. working with george consists mostly of practicing writing his name, something he gets great joy out of completing. also, your basic kindergarten reading activities, repetition and picture based stuff. he has been spending a lot of time with his hands in his pants lately and yesterday took it to the next level. awesome.

i got a call from the office asking if i could go speak to george for whipping it out in class to some girls. now, i am all for whipping it out and thoroughly enjoy being naked, so this was going to be a bit of talk that i couldn't full endorse. what i really wanted to say to him was "go for it. you're not going to really get in trouble. do what you want with that thing." instead, i went the conservative route.
me: george, i heard you were unzipping your pants and showing the class some parts of your body.
george: smiles, sheepishly, but not convincingly enough for me to believe he knows what i am talking about.
me: that part of your body is just for you, not for other people to see. unless it is mommy, daddy, or a doctor, it is just for you.
george: i unzipped my pants.
me: yes i know. in school, you need to keep your pants zipped up. your body is not for other people to see. do you understand you need to keep your pants on and zipped up?
george: pants zipped up?
me: yes.

at this point the conversation was basically done, i rubbed his head, slapped him five and we went into my classroom and drew for awhile.

i like this kid.

really?

as we are getting deeper into the school year, a few things are becoming apparent.

first, hopefully every month does not feel as long as september. holy crap, september was a long month.

the next thing that is beginning to reveal itself is how dumb one of my kids is. it's quite sad. this student, we will call this student "pat", tries very hard. works to impress me and my para. pat sets a pretty good example behavior wise and hasn't been a problem thus far. it's just that pat is about as smart as an empty soda can. very stupid.

working with this type of student, i have to do many things. first and foremost, i must remember not to laugh at pat. this is probably the most difficult one to follow. some of the things pat says are so unexpected and off topic i want to throw my book at pat. we can be in the middle of reading a story and i will ask a comprehension based question. pat's hand will go up and a typical response will be "what?" or "what page are we on?". occasionally an answer is on pat's lips and this is usually tragic as well. no matter the question, the first thing that comes to pat's mind is an answer, any answer at all. if i ask what the moral to "the tortoise and the hare" is, pat might come up with, "I don't think fireballs are real." not laughing is difficult.

also, i certainly can't use sarcasm with pat. this doesn't affect pat in anyway, other than pat takes my words as serious, no matter the context and can't wrap pat mind around it.

pat also likes to complete work very quickly, because to pat, a good grade is dependant on finishing first. i am pretty sure pat thinks pat can read 200 words a minute because pat will often look at a page and then turn it. when asked if the entire page was read, pat will nod. when presented with a comprehension question, a puzzled look finds its way to pat's face and the response usually sounds something like, "For halloween i want to get christmas."

i really like pat, however, so teaching pat is not a bad experience, just a rather frustrating and patience-testing adventure.

another student in my class is psychotic. no joke. no funny comparison. actually a psycho.
i noticed it a few weeks ago. let's call this person apple. apple will be sitting in apple's seat, mumbling and talking to nobody else, just apple. normally i encourage this, when reading or solving problems. vocalize and try and sort things out not only in your head, but outloud. one thing that was different about apple's behavior was that apple was not aware that it was outloud. also, a very weird look comes over apple's face during these "conversations." after meeting with the school's therapist and since talking with other doctors that have met with apple, it brought back some scary news. hallucinations, both visual and audio have not been ruled out. apple is displaying schizophrenic tendencies and talks about a knife collection. a few other things have gone on that may lead to some of these symptoms and reactions, but either way, crazy.

i really feel bad for apple because this is something that is not easily controlled, especially in a school environment.

the blinding lack of reason

it continues to amaze me, the choices these students make.

one tick will set them off and they just can't recover, no perspective nor reasoning behind their actions.

a student became disruptive in class yesterday and was not following directions. after a brief time of letting him sit (and hoping he was gathering some thoughts) asked him to come out to the hallway.

once there, i get the silent treatment. something i can definitely handle and was slightly prepared for. one thing i do regret in my approach was that i was a bit too aggresive in the beginning, probably getting him a little bit too guarded and shutting down. but, i quickly toned it down and made sure to be a little more subdued. the reason i was a little too much too soon was because he really was being ridiculous. but obviously not the way he thought about it. also, his lack of listening to directions had me wanting to make sure he understood he needs to follow directions. anyway, round about talking here.

next, i was letting him know he is going to need to say at least a few words in order for us to be able to talk to each other. after awhile of being ignored, i let him know that he has two options. he can let me know if he needs to go to the principal or he can stay with me. still ignoring me, i let him know that if he says nothing at all, there will be consequences and he will be visiting the principal.

needless to say, he stays silent and we go upstairs and he begins to just walk around and be a general pain in the butt, nothing really bad, just a nuisance. to make this story short, he was adamant that he wasn't going to do his reflection paper and was not going to listen to me.

he thinks for a few minutes, listens to me, still adamant that he isn't doing the reflection. told him he should reconsider.

he came in the this morning with his paper.

i must have done something right. he also had a great day today. sweet.

uh-oh

they are almost becoming endearing.

funny note on the day.

usually i keep either a pen or pencil behind my ear throughout the day. last week, the students were making fun of me and started putting pencils behind their ears. i laughed and contemplated cutting their ears off with scissors and then kept teaching. that kind of died off, but i have noticed the past couple days that individual students will put their pencils behind their ears when they are thinking about a problem or waiting for their next instruction.

pretty funny and cute. good thing i didn't cut their ears off.

honeymooning

......i really hope that this is not just that.

the students have certainly shown they are getting more comfortable with the school year, but i still feel a million times better than last year.

i have always, no matter how bad the circumstances, been ok with standing in front of a class. last year, the problem was nobody would ever listen. ever.

this year, they are listening.

i believe this is partly due to the fact that i have some idea what i am actually supposed to and going to be teaching on a day-to-day basis. right now we are working on a tommie depaola unit for ela, incorporating writing into that a little bit. i have a pretty sweet writing assignment i think i am going to start tomorrow about heroes. with so many of these students looking up to less than desireable role models, i want to work with them to identify the positive traits that heroes can provide.

math is still a bit of a review, but i was actually able to sit with them today, work with a lesson i had planned (swish) and even do an activity afterwards. i don't think we did that once last year.

having only 6 students is finally affording me the opportunity to teach. i feel so bad for the 4th grade teacher because she has 13 kids. what a ridiculous thing. but, i am very thankful it's not me, because i have a feeling that i wouldn't nearly as positive as i am right now (see last year).

classroom management is not really an issue with 6 students, but there are still some things they will do to push each others buttons that i am going to continue to work on.

may the honeymoon last forever.

year 2

back at it.

summer was intense and as much as i loved being able to sleep in, i really need to be back in a regular routine.

so far, i am very, very happy about my students. they are at a much higher level than last year, don't have an innate desire to fight and stab each other, and are actually listening.

on a personal note, i feel much more prepared and ready to teach. i have a much better understanding of what i can get done and how to do it. last year was so overwhelming in the amount of material and lack of direction, but i feel confident and ready for this year.

i also hope that i will be posting with much more regularity, because it really does help a lot to get this stuff out of my head and i am able to analyze with a little more clarity after ranting about it.

off we go.

.......

last day of school was yesterday.



every part of my body yearned for this day, counted down the days to this day. i looked forward to every part of this day.

it exceeded all of my expectations.

but..


but.......

as i was cleaning, i began thinking about next years writing assignments. about what i am going to do next year to engage, to better engage them.

isn't this supposed to be the end of the year.

i am not supposed to have excitement about next year.


or am i?

one of my students came and got some work they hadn't got yet.

as he was leaving, he said to me;

"you should stay at your job........you're good at it"

wow.

from a 13 year old.

wow.

all year, i don't need compliments. wow.

this one. this one, however, felt amazing.


thank you.......thank you..



smile.....

heart beats a little faster. he's gone .


still in the dark (power outage) thank you.

all alone.

smile.

thank you.

thank everything for you. wow.


next year.

vacation is going to be great.

but, next year, i am going to be better.

thank you.

persevere

the title of this post is something that i will never have to truly experience.

has your father ever beat you with a belt?

have your parents' ever threatened to give you away to DSS?

do you fear going home because you don't know if your mom is drunk?

didn't think so.

think about that and then go into a classroom and attempt to teach.

i am a bad teacher. i can't wait to fix what i am and how i can be better.

i really can't imagine being in my students' shoes, but i will try. i will try now and continue to try for this year and for the rest of the years that i teach.

all out war

19 days left of school.

title really says it all about that topic. we finished up our MCAS this week and it was tough. When proctoring for my students, half of me wants to help them and give them extra clues and the other half of me is so pissed they can't get the answer right to the topics we covered two days before in class. it is quite a love/hate relationship.

on a side note, i am absolutely exhausted. between coaching, teaching, training, and life, i am running on fumes. remember this for next year and maybe there will be something that i can do to better prepare me for this time of the year. but it is very difficult right now.

almost there.

to touch back on a topic that my last post addressed, i don't like that way my kids make me act/feel. these students are at a very difficult time right now. there world is going to be turned all-which-way around next year, moving on to 6th grade and the middle school. i try to cut them some slack, but it isn't possible. they blatantly refuse to do things some days, the next day wonder why we don't have free time, complain when we get free time that they are bored and then complain some more. it's nuts.

one very positive aspect of these students is their extreme lack of short term memory. not a positive for educational purposes, but for my purpose. they will get in trouble and be really mad that it's my fault they get sent to the office. they won't talk to me and ignore me until they get to the office. but, by afternoon, they are completely unaware of the mornings events and are able to function, which is nice.

rambling. i wish i could post more often, but i just don't have the energy to do it outside of school and i usually don't want to think about school while i am at it either.

not me

i don't like the way my students' behavior makes me act and react. much more on this later, but wanted to get this thought down before i forget about it.

teacher? more like shmeacher

tired. i am very tired right now.

it is very difficult to assess teaching, take what i have learned from the assessing, apply, and then re-assess. especially when tired. it is not the satisfied, work well done type of tired. it's a more frustrating type of tired. certainly not a hopeless tired, which is good.

but, what am i supposed to do when i have one student who asks another one, "why are you looking at me, do i have a dick on my face?" what? what the hell does that have to do with anything. the reason you are being looked at is because you are acting like a rabid raccoon and won't stop f-ing talking or making noise.

well, that student is removed from the class. it seems like order might be restored and they just might complete their silent reading time. cue the 5th grader that decides to start talking in baby talk and denying it immediately after and during bouts of baby talking. wow. more sugar, let's give them more sugar.

i did find some bad news out about one student who has been very off lately, not following directions, not doing class or homework, and has changed quite a bit over the past 3 weeks. i spoke with her mother and found out they are just starting to go through a divorce. the students' behavior now makes complete sense and i will continue to keep that in mind. it is really amazing how much what is going on at home will affect a child's behavior, decision making, and overall ability in school. also, reminds me to stay positive and compassionate with my students because they go through some very heavy stuff.

the power of writing things down is amazing. already, looking at what i am writing, i laugh at what they say and what they do. no, it's not appropriate what they are doing, but it could be much worse. certainly not the end of the world and i still feel confident in the connections i have made with these students and that these days are just going to happen.

my job is to not let these days be the ones that i remember, but the days that we do well and get through lessons and have fun are the ones floating around in my head.

incentives

one balance that i am struggling to find in my classroom is using incentives. i have put into place a system of logical consequences that seems to be effective and is a visual cue as to how the students behavior has been. however, i feel that in order for this to be even more effective, i need to have incentives to give them a reason to make good choices in the classroom.

i have found this very difficult for many reasons. first, the space i am in does not lend itself to having some kids working and other having free time, playing a game, etc.... not only because of how small it is, but also because of the shared classroom. also, i do not have a full-time para, making it difficult to have some kids being supervised doing one thing and the other group also being watched. i would really like to be able to show a movie every once in awhile, maybe even as often as once every week or couple weeks. this is very difficult because i have a shared classroom, i am in the basement which means i can't get a tv in my room. we used the music room once, but only were able to because she was absent. there is also no dvd player downstairs and we had to use the computer.

even with these complications, we have been able to have free time, play games, and watch a movie once. along with these activities have come problems. they can't handle it.

maybe i need to model correct behavior, but i don't think that is the problem. they get overwhelmed with the ability to make their own choices. even with the movie, people had a very tough time watching it and not complaining about it. when i told them we were going to watch a movie because they had done a very nice job with their testing, one student, with a bummed out look on his face, asked me "can we talk during the movie?". what? what the hell? why can't you just watch an f-in movie. would you rather do work?

again today, we were playing multiplication fact around the world. i went over what we would be doing before we started, let everyone know what is expected, and a full overview of the schedule before lunch. i was lenient with behavior, letting them chat a little, little smack talk. it was kept under control. and then 4 or 5 just started yelling and calling out, ruining it for everyone. it was frustrating to see because we couldn't keep playing because those students will still do the same thing. the immediate consequences wouldn't be enough to deter them. the more longterm consequences of the reflection paper, office visit, and call home would not be pleasant for them, but they are not thinking that far ahead.

so, work towards creating more consistent incentives, more short term and visible incentives to give them a reason to work towards making good decisions.

smarter than a fifth grader?

this job is complete karma. i am pretty sure i used to be a total pain in the ass know-it-all with add in 5th grade. being a competitive person who was somehow blessed with an extreme patience with children, the students challenge me each day. they will ask me a question or show me an answer. if it's wrong, i will tell them so, sometimes rather mundanely, other times i am pretty animated about it. my favorite is when the kids will say "it's right, it's right" as though i don't know the answer. not only do i have the teacher's edition, but i have also done the problem or read the story and i am aware of the answer.

generally, this first part of the discussion is ok. but then they continue to insist. this is where i start to get a little worked up. i want to just tell them that i can assure them i am smarter than they are and the answer they have is wrong. not really a good strategy. the ones that persist will generally get ignored, but that's not really fun because then they just become obnoxious and stop doing work.

in terms of the new seating arrangement, i have no idea why they hate each other so much. it seems to be a very forced animosity that is also fueled by the desire for attention not only from me, but also from classmates.

tomorrow is my wednesday

well, mcas is nearly upon us.

but, i will let that be for now.

monday was a surreal sort of day. it went by rather quickly and the students responded well to directions and went through the motions and managed to be productive, relatively subdued, and didn't drive me nearly as nuts as they did last week. writing was simple and mcas prep related, reading wasn't really anything and then all of a sudden it was lunch. weird.

there is an mcas "rally" (fuck yeah!) on thursday to get all of the kids excited to do their best and try their hardestestest and bestestest for the test so the state won't take away our money to solve the education problem that is massachusetts and the whole inbred-saturated public education system. my thoughts on standardized tests are best summed up in my final paper for grad school, entitled "Measure this". ha. i really liked that paper.

hopefully tuesday will bring more sunrays and sunbeams of knowledge.

lunch of speed

i need to get in the habit of posting after things go well, not just when they go like they did this afternoon.

i will start with yesterday.

yesterday was a refreshing day of actual teaching. monday had been a little rough, but definitely better than last week. on tuesday we were able to read as a group, review, work in partners, and they were able to show they had progressed in their comprehension and in their ability to retain details when reading. we even survived a surprise attack from the superintendent's office. even in the afternoon, they did very well. going over homework and sharing answers. overall, a great day.

today. hmm. this morning wasn't exactly smooth, but we did a very nice job of reviewing and played a modified jeopardy game for our test tomorrow.

the afternoon. wow. seriously, it was like they served speed and acid to the kids for lunch, with a few shots of jack to wash it down.

often, i think the reason for behavior meltdowns is because of what i have planned, that it is not engaging or that it isn't well suited for their iep's and such. today, all bets were off.

for now, i am not going to focus on how to avoid this disaster zone, but to be better prepared to diffuse it and maybe turn it into just an anti-tank mine instead of the a-bomb that was dropped.

there is the chance to isolate the few students that are the catalysts. but that doesn't really work because there are 3-4 main protagonists and without a para, no place to put them. the old "work silently because you're in trouble" is not a possibility either because there is no real consequence if they talk. maybe by listing everything i can't do, i will rule everything out.

i am very flustered right now. i know my students well enough to know they like me. i have no problem being the discplinarian and the teacher. however, going to the principal has become a priviledge to the kids because she allows them to walk around and "help" her with things, rather than enforce any sort of consequences. they also frequently get to go see the counselor during these times, which is just a free block to play. therefore, being sent out of the room is usually more of a joyride than anything else. (of course, for the students' who have parents who actually care, it isn't fun. but they very, very rarely ever need to be sent out.)

fuck.

i would like to revisit this, hopefully later tonight and just get more off my chest and perhaps be a little more constructive in approach for next time.

zero tolerance!! ha!

i need to find a balance here and soon. i am not sure what has happened, but there is a definite change in the atmosphere of the classroom.

we got a new student, just as the class had kind of settled in and got used to each other and that might have created a rift. but i can't imagine that is all.

as i am reflecting on these past few weeks (2) i am doing my best to get some thoughts together as to why they are acting this way.

the simple realization that they could still be coming back from vacation and haven't quite adjusted yet is one theory.

i question this theory because most of the students have been able to bring themselves back into "school mode" with just a couple of students pushing everyone's buttons.

one student in particular really has me confused, troubled, and concerned. his behavior has gone from mildly obnoxious to full-blown out of control. it may be attention based, it may be something going on at home, it may be that he hasn't been taking medication, or it could be a lashing out and testing his boundaries, seeing if anyone is there and concerned and trying to bring him back.

i would like to spend some more time with this student and have asked if he would like to eat lunch with me. he does want to, but i can't let him do that if he continues with his disruptive, disrespectful, and just plain mean behavior.

thinking about this student and what is happening has lead me to really focus on whether or not i have changed or adapted as the year has gone on. i believe i have set some more limitations as the year has gone on. these have come as i have realized some aspects of the day need to be more monitored and their behavior throughout the day needs to be more monitored visually (check system).

for future teaching experiences, i would like to implement these strategies earlier. my lessons have been smoother if anything but i fear that the reading lessons might be a little too difficult.

i need to continue to come up with more differentiated assignments and look into getting some different reading books.

next time.....

use a condom. that's all i want to say to some of these parents. they don't care about their children, or quality of life. maybe they do a little bit, but i don't get that impression.

so, don't have kids.

the other day i tried giving the students a little break and we played a game that was designed to last 20 minutes, time to unwind, and then get back to math.

ha!!

i had speculated before this strategy might work instead of consquences. it may still, i haven't completely given up, but got real close. we were simply playing around the world with multiplication and division and they just can't handle moving to something else. i was very disappointed in them and told them so.

examining what i could have done better or differently, i am not sure yet. i let them know the game and the amount of time (approximately) that we would be playing. once it came time to switch, they didn't complain. complaining isn't the issue. it was getting them to focus on the next math concept or whatever else it happens to be. the game has done nothing to entice them to work so it will happen again. it just killed some time.

hmm. i will keep thinking of strategies to engage and enlighten. not just them, but also me.

the first day

well, here it is. thankfully, it's very much on it's way out now.

today was the first day all year, all of last year, and from what i can remember all of my student teaching, that i felt completely lost and that the class was out of control. i had no idea what to do. the past couple days had gone very well and i wasn't ready for it either.

the morning went well, not really much foreshadowing even looking back now. then came the afternoon.

boom!

as i tried to go over the homework, nothing. i couldn't say a word without a conversation starting, or fooling around, or some idiotic question. i sat and waited, something that usually worked. but nothing. hmmmm, i thought. i lowered my voice and hoped they would get the hint. nada. hmmmm, what the hell am i going to do now?

yesterday i had accidentally lost some quizzes and had just found them. some people hadn't finished them so i decided to pass those out. quiz out, no talking. the general rule. nope, not today. for the next 20 minutes i thought. i walked around the room. i didn't tell people to be quiet or reprimand. that wasn't doing anything anyway. eventually, i took all the quizzes, gave the 3 people who were listening the whole time free time for the rest of the day (about an hour) and the rest were given an assignment.

if they talked or kept fooling around, we would get upstairs that very second and call their parents.

for the most part this finally stopped the chaos. of course you still have the students who is "innocent" and behaved himself the whole time. right. and a few other complaints, but generally this worked. the worst part is i hate doing that. it's not the right thing to do to a bunch of kids with adhd, but i couldn't think of anything else.

as i think about it right now and reflect on my mindstate, all i could think of was a consequence, negative, for their behavior.

thinking about it now, maybe they needed a break, just like me sometimes. maybe what i needed to do was play a game for few minutes.

the only problem with that is i don't know if i would be able to get them back or if the rest of the day is lost. maybe a small price to pay. maybe next time.

ok?

the word/phrase/question/statement that is "ok". hmmm. i need to stop saying that.

i have come to the point of noticing when i say it and when other teachers say it and it is really annoying.

"next we are going to do math, ok?" , "we are going to move on to reading now, ok?".

when i have said it and also when other teachers say it, we/they are not actually asking for permission. it is a very empty, weak "ok".

other times that it is overused is when checking in with a student.

"your assignment is page 130, numbers 1-5, ok?" is just doesn't sound right, natural, or even remotely intelligent.

to replace "ok" i have started saying nothing at all for the most part. the same statements are just as clear and you sound smarter.

if i feel like i need an answer i will say "do you understand?" instead. this not only forces the student to engage with the teacher in some sort of dialogue and let the teacher know if they actually do understand, but also is no longer "asking for permission" from the students, like with "ok".

the long days

every once in awhile i have encountered a 2, 3, or 4 day span where the day just drags on forever. the lessons aren't working at all. they either don't understand it or won't stop talking long enough to let me speak. it's these times where teaching has become the hardest for me.

during these times it really is no longer teaching, but creative babysitting. all of a sudden i am forced to rethink everything and i have about 4 seconds to come up with a new solution. sometimes not even 4 seconds because a few of my "choice" students didn't take their meds that day.

it's in these moments that i must get better. i need to have a better bank of ideas and activities to think through and choose from.
as these days drag on, it seems like it will never end, the bell will never ring. of course it always does and then my attempts to reflect are confusing and lost.

one student has a very difficult time dealing with behavior. he knows exactly what he is doing is wrong. he does it anyway. everything i say, he attempts to correct. he is probably exactly how i was when i was in school, except a little dumber.
the decisions he makes baffles me. i have established he likes attention, but it goes farther than that. i know that he has parental figures and that those figures have expectations for him academically. he knows that he will get grounded if i have to call home and speak to either of them.

each day he makes very deliberate attempts to get into trouble. i don't think he does it to annoy me and i don't buy into the whole "he just wants attention even if it's negative." it's possible that he sees it as a constant attempt to prove to peers that he doesn't care, he does what he wants. he is very well liked and a good kid. this is going to be ongoing, but i like this. by writing it, i have already calmed down more and it gives me the chance to break it up and also realize how small some of the stuff is on the grander scale.

how do i teach that better? i will ask myself that many times. but when i didn't get the chance to teach, i am not sure how to plan more effectively next time. these days are almost lost days, my students falling even more behind.

i have been thinking about the idea of splitting them into groups by ability for math, but i really don't like that. my kids aren't bright, but they sure as hell aren't stupid. they know they are in a basement for a reason. i can't really expect them to function knowing they are in the lower group on top of being in the basement.

i would also like to think of more rewards for the class. after they take a test or have a lesson that goes really well. think about that for the very near future.

brick wall

teaching long division to a brick wall is very difficult. it just never seems to grasp the concept, the grouping and it doesn't really know its times tables at all.

such was teaching division for about 85 of the 90 minutes.

but then........the wall woke up.

and i felt joy and pride.

they got it.

that same brick wall became my student and learned how to divide. it was fulfilling, satisfying, gratifying, a little bit amazing, and worth it.

so much of what i write and will write in the future feels like a cliche.

but that's what it is. it is filled with so many ups and downs, such an unpredictable series of events.

the same students were even better today, answering questions, guiding the lesson along. it was awesome.

truly awesome.

who knows, maybe they will even learn the next part.

roller coaster (of love)

up and down. tedious, strenuous, exciting, scary, no hands, the list goes on.

it is very difficult to develop something every single day to engage, entertain, and teach a group of children. i don't know if this experience would be different in Amherst. Most likely, I am just not sure how.

The real thing on my mind right now is the amount of bitching, moaning, complaining, and whining done by the teachers at my school. Most of this comes from older teachers who have been teaching for a few years. Seems like a stereotype, but they won't stop bitching.

Everyday they have a new problem and many of the problems don't even have to do with teaching. I don't need to know your goddamn life story. Instead of whining to me, go plan so you aren't so f-ing stressed out. Stop complaining, your life can't possibly be that bad. If it is, I am sorry and keep it to yourself.

Upon realizing how much I can't stand their complaining, it dawned on my this is probably the reason I am such a hermit. I don't want to be around a bunch of people who continuously complain. It brings you down and then you start to question your own situation, and I just don't want to deal with that.

temptation v. consequence

i often wonder about the thought process of my students when it comes to temptation v. consequence. each of them has seen many times how i react to certain behaviors and when they receive consequences, they still seem surprised, upset, angry, etc..

in trying to figure this out, i have to think about what the temptation is. there are only 10 kids in the class, so it is very easy to have all 20 eyes on you at once. perhaps the temptation is as simple as attention. so cliche, yet very true.

mayhaps the temptation lies in them thinking they will get away with it. for as much as i see and know what's going on, there is still a good amount i don't see or know about. the risk of getting caught must be worth it to them to try and get away with it.

the temptation could also be caused by the opportunity for consequence. just being held accountable for their actions makes some students feel better, feel like someone is still in control and helping their lives. many consequences involve being removed from the group and isolated. for some students, this is a welcome break from the usual noise of the classroom. others, not so much.

also, i can't forget the sheer impulsiveness of talking and acting out. sometimes, especially with add and adhd students, they don't think before they act. there is no thought process involved. if they feel like talking, they talk, and then realize there will be a consequence after, not before.

i also try and speak to the students 1 on1 to try and figure out why their day seems to be going roughly. this may play a role in the behavior and be part of the temptation as well.

when trying to figure out logical consequences, i also have to try and maintain a good balance of where the breaking point occurs, the point at which i am going to start enforcing consequences.

this is very different for each student. some students may seem to "get away" with more and others get in trouble for "everything".

this balance is something i would like to work on in order to maintain a positive atmosphere that each student is going to feel like they are being treated fairly, while still making sure those that need to be kept in check, are.

one huge pet peeve. teachers in classes/faculty meetings/lounge, basically anywhere. they never stop talking. they act worse than their students. someone is in front of them and they won't stop blabbing. the very same annoying behavior they will scream and yell at their students for, the same disrespect and disruptiveness they loathe, they are a huge part of. makes me angry to see.

many teachers seem crabby and pissed off all the time. no fun. when i was younger, i promised myself that i would never forget what it was like to be young. what it was like to think the most important thing in the whole world was who you had a crush on and when were you going to get to talk to your friends. remembering that i thought about this definitely helps my patience and ability to handle certain situations.

remember, you were once a kid. it's not easy, no matter how trivial and silly it seems now.

mind of the 5th grader, ongoing

perhaps they really don't care. even at this point, it's very possible for a student to believe they "don't care".

however, i don't believe them. when they say it, it's not genuine. it's not even said with the same emotion as when they are cursing each other out or complaining about homework.

discussions involving behavior are quite fickle as well. with no real support from the parents, it's very difficult to find something to hold on to and something beyond "learning" that will drive them to come to school and try.

these type of thoughts are very difficult to process and put into something meaningful.

another very frustrating point, it is very difficult to vocalize how meaningful it is. you know, as a teacher and as a caring person, you want to help. you want to teach. you want everything to be f-in perfect and each lesson to go smoothly. even with these aspirations, you know that it most certainly can go off course, it can self-destruct. after these moments, after you have managed to pull everyone back together, you want to scream. i want to yell, try and force how important education is into their heads. "listen, damnit! just f-in listen!". instead, we keep those feelings inside, muster up our best inside voice and ask the students, "eyes up here, please. eyes up here."


my focus has been on attempting to get my kids to not hate school. i am in a basement. yup, special ed kids in a basement. it is grossly painted green on the floors. nice, exposed heating and water pipes add to the allure. my job is to teach these kids to pass the mcas. right.

from the first day, my focus has been on respect. looking back, some things i would do differently.

be more organized. when i am not organized, it hurts the class because i am not able to move to the next thing.

establish guidelines, not rules. the last thing these kids need to hear right now is "rules". don't do this, don't do that.


the thing that could actually make my life easier was if i was able to not care. how easy would that be? well, much easier said than done.

it's not about math and science. it's about the foundation. most likely, nothing i teach them specifically, such as multiplication, nouns, transitive property, is going to drive them to stay in school. it will be the atmosphere i am struggling to achieve in the classroom. the desire not to learn how to better solve a word problem, but the desire to simply find out more, to learn.

the teacher i most admire is the one that is able to do both. i am very far off from this teacher.

learning does not come from experience, learning comes from the reflection of the experience.