mind of the 5th grader, ongoing

perhaps they really don't care. even at this point, it's very possible for a student to believe they "don't care".

however, i don't believe them. when they say it, it's not genuine. it's not even said with the same emotion as when they are cursing each other out or complaining about homework.

discussions involving behavior are quite fickle as well. with no real support from the parents, it's very difficult to find something to hold on to and something beyond "learning" that will drive them to come to school and try.

these type of thoughts are very difficult to process and put into something meaningful.

another very frustrating point, it is very difficult to vocalize how meaningful it is. you know, as a teacher and as a caring person, you want to help. you want to teach. you want everything to be f-in perfect and each lesson to go smoothly. even with these aspirations, you know that it most certainly can go off course, it can self-destruct. after these moments, after you have managed to pull everyone back together, you want to scream. i want to yell, try and force how important education is into their heads. "listen, damnit! just f-in listen!". instead, we keep those feelings inside, muster up our best inside voice and ask the students, "eyes up here, please. eyes up here."


my focus has been on attempting to get my kids to not hate school. i am in a basement. yup, special ed kids in a basement. it is grossly painted green on the floors. nice, exposed heating and water pipes add to the allure. my job is to teach these kids to pass the mcas. right.

from the first day, my focus has been on respect. looking back, some things i would do differently.

be more organized. when i am not organized, it hurts the class because i am not able to move to the next thing.

establish guidelines, not rules. the last thing these kids need to hear right now is "rules". don't do this, don't do that.


the thing that could actually make my life easier was if i was able to not care. how easy would that be? well, much easier said than done.

it's not about math and science. it's about the foundation. most likely, nothing i teach them specifically, such as multiplication, nouns, transitive property, is going to drive them to stay in school. it will be the atmosphere i am struggling to achieve in the classroom. the desire not to learn how to better solve a word problem, but the desire to simply find out more, to learn.

the teacher i most admire is the one that is able to do both. i am very far off from this teacher.

learning does not come from experience, learning comes from the reflection of the experience.