the first day

well, here it is. thankfully, it's very much on it's way out now.

today was the first day all year, all of last year, and from what i can remember all of my student teaching, that i felt completely lost and that the class was out of control. i had no idea what to do. the past couple days had gone very well and i wasn't ready for it either.

the morning went well, not really much foreshadowing even looking back now. then came the afternoon.

boom!

as i tried to go over the homework, nothing. i couldn't say a word without a conversation starting, or fooling around, or some idiotic question. i sat and waited, something that usually worked. but nothing. hmmmm, i thought. i lowered my voice and hoped they would get the hint. nada. hmmmm, what the hell am i going to do now?

yesterday i had accidentally lost some quizzes and had just found them. some people hadn't finished them so i decided to pass those out. quiz out, no talking. the general rule. nope, not today. for the next 20 minutes i thought. i walked around the room. i didn't tell people to be quiet or reprimand. that wasn't doing anything anyway. eventually, i took all the quizzes, gave the 3 people who were listening the whole time free time for the rest of the day (about an hour) and the rest were given an assignment.

if they talked or kept fooling around, we would get upstairs that very second and call their parents.

for the most part this finally stopped the chaos. of course you still have the students who is "innocent" and behaved himself the whole time. right. and a few other complaints, but generally this worked. the worst part is i hate doing that. it's not the right thing to do to a bunch of kids with adhd, but i couldn't think of anything else.

as i think about it right now and reflect on my mindstate, all i could think of was a consequence, negative, for their behavior.

thinking about it now, maybe they needed a break, just like me sometimes. maybe what i needed to do was play a game for few minutes.

the only problem with that is i don't know if i would be able to get them back or if the rest of the day is lost. maybe a small price to pay. maybe next time.

ok?

the word/phrase/question/statement that is "ok". hmmm. i need to stop saying that.

i have come to the point of noticing when i say it and when other teachers say it and it is really annoying.

"next we are going to do math, ok?" , "we are going to move on to reading now, ok?".

when i have said it and also when other teachers say it, we/they are not actually asking for permission. it is a very empty, weak "ok".

other times that it is overused is when checking in with a student.

"your assignment is page 130, numbers 1-5, ok?" is just doesn't sound right, natural, or even remotely intelligent.

to replace "ok" i have started saying nothing at all for the most part. the same statements are just as clear and you sound smarter.

if i feel like i need an answer i will say "do you understand?" instead. this not only forces the student to engage with the teacher in some sort of dialogue and let the teacher know if they actually do understand, but also is no longer "asking for permission" from the students, like with "ok".

the long days

every once in awhile i have encountered a 2, 3, or 4 day span where the day just drags on forever. the lessons aren't working at all. they either don't understand it or won't stop talking long enough to let me speak. it's these times where teaching has become the hardest for me.

during these times it really is no longer teaching, but creative babysitting. all of a sudden i am forced to rethink everything and i have about 4 seconds to come up with a new solution. sometimes not even 4 seconds because a few of my "choice" students didn't take their meds that day.

it's in these moments that i must get better. i need to have a better bank of ideas and activities to think through and choose from.
as these days drag on, it seems like it will never end, the bell will never ring. of course it always does and then my attempts to reflect are confusing and lost.

one student has a very difficult time dealing with behavior. he knows exactly what he is doing is wrong. he does it anyway. everything i say, he attempts to correct. he is probably exactly how i was when i was in school, except a little dumber.
the decisions he makes baffles me. i have established he likes attention, but it goes farther than that. i know that he has parental figures and that those figures have expectations for him academically. he knows that he will get grounded if i have to call home and speak to either of them.

each day he makes very deliberate attempts to get into trouble. i don't think he does it to annoy me and i don't buy into the whole "he just wants attention even if it's negative." it's possible that he sees it as a constant attempt to prove to peers that he doesn't care, he does what he wants. he is very well liked and a good kid. this is going to be ongoing, but i like this. by writing it, i have already calmed down more and it gives me the chance to break it up and also realize how small some of the stuff is on the grander scale.

how do i teach that better? i will ask myself that many times. but when i didn't get the chance to teach, i am not sure how to plan more effectively next time. these days are almost lost days, my students falling even more behind.

i have been thinking about the idea of splitting them into groups by ability for math, but i really don't like that. my kids aren't bright, but they sure as hell aren't stupid. they know they are in a basement for a reason. i can't really expect them to function knowing they are in the lower group on top of being in the basement.

i would also like to think of more rewards for the class. after they take a test or have a lesson that goes really well. think about that for the very near future.

brick wall

teaching long division to a brick wall is very difficult. it just never seems to grasp the concept, the grouping and it doesn't really know its times tables at all.

such was teaching division for about 85 of the 90 minutes.

but then........the wall woke up.

and i felt joy and pride.

they got it.

that same brick wall became my student and learned how to divide. it was fulfilling, satisfying, gratifying, a little bit amazing, and worth it.

so much of what i write and will write in the future feels like a cliche.

but that's what it is. it is filled with so many ups and downs, such an unpredictable series of events.

the same students were even better today, answering questions, guiding the lesson along. it was awesome.

truly awesome.

who knows, maybe they will even learn the next part.

roller coaster (of love)

up and down. tedious, strenuous, exciting, scary, no hands, the list goes on.

it is very difficult to develop something every single day to engage, entertain, and teach a group of children. i don't know if this experience would be different in Amherst. Most likely, I am just not sure how.

The real thing on my mind right now is the amount of bitching, moaning, complaining, and whining done by the teachers at my school. Most of this comes from older teachers who have been teaching for a few years. Seems like a stereotype, but they won't stop bitching.

Everyday they have a new problem and many of the problems don't even have to do with teaching. I don't need to know your goddamn life story. Instead of whining to me, go plan so you aren't so f-ing stressed out. Stop complaining, your life can't possibly be that bad. If it is, I am sorry and keep it to yourself.

Upon realizing how much I can't stand their complaining, it dawned on my this is probably the reason I am such a hermit. I don't want to be around a bunch of people who continuously complain. It brings you down and then you start to question your own situation, and I just don't want to deal with that.

temptation v. consequence

i often wonder about the thought process of my students when it comes to temptation v. consequence. each of them has seen many times how i react to certain behaviors and when they receive consequences, they still seem surprised, upset, angry, etc..

in trying to figure this out, i have to think about what the temptation is. there are only 10 kids in the class, so it is very easy to have all 20 eyes on you at once. perhaps the temptation is as simple as attention. so cliche, yet very true.

mayhaps the temptation lies in them thinking they will get away with it. for as much as i see and know what's going on, there is still a good amount i don't see or know about. the risk of getting caught must be worth it to them to try and get away with it.

the temptation could also be caused by the opportunity for consequence. just being held accountable for their actions makes some students feel better, feel like someone is still in control and helping their lives. many consequences involve being removed from the group and isolated. for some students, this is a welcome break from the usual noise of the classroom. others, not so much.

also, i can't forget the sheer impulsiveness of talking and acting out. sometimes, especially with add and adhd students, they don't think before they act. there is no thought process involved. if they feel like talking, they talk, and then realize there will be a consequence after, not before.

i also try and speak to the students 1 on1 to try and figure out why their day seems to be going roughly. this may play a role in the behavior and be part of the temptation as well.

when trying to figure out logical consequences, i also have to try and maintain a good balance of where the breaking point occurs, the point at which i am going to start enforcing consequences.

this is very different for each student. some students may seem to "get away" with more and others get in trouble for "everything".

this balance is something i would like to work on in order to maintain a positive atmosphere that each student is going to feel like they are being treated fairly, while still making sure those that need to be kept in check, are.

one huge pet peeve. teachers in classes/faculty meetings/lounge, basically anywhere. they never stop talking. they act worse than their students. someone is in front of them and they won't stop blabbing. the very same annoying behavior they will scream and yell at their students for, the same disrespect and disruptiveness they loathe, they are a huge part of. makes me angry to see.

many teachers seem crabby and pissed off all the time. no fun. when i was younger, i promised myself that i would never forget what it was like to be young. what it was like to think the most important thing in the whole world was who you had a crush on and when were you going to get to talk to your friends. remembering that i thought about this definitely helps my patience and ability to handle certain situations.

remember, you were once a kid. it's not easy, no matter how trivial and silly it seems now.

mind of the 5th grader, ongoing

perhaps they really don't care. even at this point, it's very possible for a student to believe they "don't care".

however, i don't believe them. when they say it, it's not genuine. it's not even said with the same emotion as when they are cursing each other out or complaining about homework.

discussions involving behavior are quite fickle as well. with no real support from the parents, it's very difficult to find something to hold on to and something beyond "learning" that will drive them to come to school and try.

these type of thoughts are very difficult to process and put into something meaningful.

another very frustrating point, it is very difficult to vocalize how meaningful it is. you know, as a teacher and as a caring person, you want to help. you want to teach. you want everything to be f-in perfect and each lesson to go smoothly. even with these aspirations, you know that it most certainly can go off course, it can self-destruct. after these moments, after you have managed to pull everyone back together, you want to scream. i want to yell, try and force how important education is into their heads. "listen, damnit! just f-in listen!". instead, we keep those feelings inside, muster up our best inside voice and ask the students, "eyes up here, please. eyes up here."


my focus has been on attempting to get my kids to not hate school. i am in a basement. yup, special ed kids in a basement. it is grossly painted green on the floors. nice, exposed heating and water pipes add to the allure. my job is to teach these kids to pass the mcas. right.

from the first day, my focus has been on respect. looking back, some things i would do differently.

be more organized. when i am not organized, it hurts the class because i am not able to move to the next thing.

establish guidelines, not rules. the last thing these kids need to hear right now is "rules". don't do this, don't do that.


the thing that could actually make my life easier was if i was able to not care. how easy would that be? well, much easier said than done.

it's not about math and science. it's about the foundation. most likely, nothing i teach them specifically, such as multiplication, nouns, transitive property, is going to drive them to stay in school. it will be the atmosphere i am struggling to achieve in the classroom. the desire not to learn how to better solve a word problem, but the desire to simply find out more, to learn.

the teacher i most admire is the one that is able to do both. i am very far off from this teacher.

learning does not come from experience, learning comes from the reflection of the experience.