rock, stone, cement, wood.
elements designed as ours, but not owned.
structures harness power and release importance.
signs indicate direction but fail to provide a path as
rivers discover bends and curves.
water will show patience.
trunks feign support while
limbs breathe confidence to leaves, leaves to us.
breezes fail to take breath away,
simply emulate earths sighs, disappointment
in day to day, joy of storms of grey and wet.
fly below it as sun follows time and round earth resigns itself
to orbit.
creatures great and greater slide
as if forgiven, though sins need no atonement.
days of hours complete a simple
cycle, often recognized.
let the leaves fall, the white blankets will come and find themselves gone before long.
but never owned.

sun melts, oozing itself orange
across the tree tops.
warmth fades and finds comfort
under blankets and above our heads.
blinking stars make their way
across the sky, shooting airplanes.
the days last moments are spent
stuck in time.
stillness made more prevalent by movement
nature's mastery of contrast.
time better spent forgetting than remembering.
sun melts, evening finds its colors,
black.

"so you guys are graduating this year?"

those words still ring, resound in my head. we were graduating that year, and did graduate. eric didn't. his dad, trying to make conversation, probably telling himself he was trying to make us feel a little more comfortable. in actuality, just trying to take his mind off the events that had occured.

what made your pain so bad? why did it hurt the way it did? would you take it back, if you could do it again?

i can still hear the first shovelful of dirt hit the coffin. it slid from the shovel, the dirt unaware, blissfully unaware, of what it was burying, sealing off from sunlight, air, life. forever. each shovelful further drove the point home. the distinct slide and scratch that is heard each time the edge of a shovel is dug into slightly damp dirt. pulling it from the pile, tiny rocks spill from the tall sides, jumping from the shovel, not ready to bury a 17 year old. the edge of the shovel starts to tip and the soil spills over. if only gravity skipped a beat, postponed this moment, allowed everyone one more second, if only. but it didn't and the dirt hit against the wood. a quick shower before the rest found its way in, the thud it made on contact. and then another shovelful dropped. another, another.

helpless, hopeless. the feeling will never go away. grief allows one to remember how little everything matters in the big picture. the day to day annoyances. traffic jams, copier james. work stress, family stress. think how much you would take if he could be brought back. trivial, quite, i know.

for a long time i hated you for what you did. the easy way out. you didn't have to deal with it anymore. each day didn't present questions, more thoughts of uncertainty, attempting to find your "why".

looking around where you are now, spending everyday, this plot wasn't meant for you. a man who lived through world war I, the roaring 20's, prohibition, the depression, world war II, the holocaust, the civil rights movement, vietname, korea, that's a lot. even a 20 year old, kerry. you spend everyday surrounded by people you should have lived at least as long as.

thank you for listening and giving me your ear. you deserve to be happy, wherever you are now. the pain you felt, the pain everyone has felt since, is not ever to be forgotten. you, to me, remain a constant reminder that life is not ever how we planned it, for better of for worse. love life, however. love it because it is all you have.

new day, old dawn.
same old sun, same old song.
robbed at the peak of sleepytime
wake up, woke up.
close your eyes, close my eyes.
drift back to days left untouched
and bring them your pain and your smile.
my pain and your smile
my pain and my smile.
rush little lady, but don't say a word
time will be before those who haven't heard
we must let ourselves be forgotten to be reborn.
found in each of us, ourselves, not the same as before.

crossroads

this past year has been very interesting in the workplace. a lot of experience has been gained by simply observing, both students and faculty. i have witnessed many ill-advised techniques, most of the time with the person using the technique meaning well. more information, more opportunities.

currently i am at a full time sub position and will be here until the school year ends in a few weeks. i have decided to switch this blog up a little bit and post some of my own writing. it's nothing extraordinary, but i like typing and have been really trying to find a reason to use this space more, so why not.

most of the posts will be copied from a notebook i write in and i am not going to title anything. some posts will include the date it was written orginally, some won't.


riding my bike home from crocker farm, the black was black and the road was near invisible. the air felt amazingly clean and fresh and a touch of chill made its way under my shirt. as i rode along, taking my hands off the bar, the night drove me on, never rushing, but driving home a brisk pace. hands open, arms outstretched, mouth wide, eyes fixed above, attempting to take in all of the night sky. big dipper, orion, the only two i know, big dipper the only one i spot. branches whiz by overhead, obstructing my view, adding to my secludedness, my perfect. mouth still wide open as the corners slowly creep their way up to my cheek bones, creating a wild smile. words don't, won't come as a joyful exhale turns into a roaring yolp, becoming a part of the night. my eyes once again look skyward, underwhelming me with simplicity, yet astounding me with a clarity so often sought. found on middle street; clarity. call if you would like it returned. reward will be expected.


pedal, pedal moving forward,
as if the day will propel itself.
fixed gears, fixed brains, broken
but forever moving.
lopsided arrows still find targets, just
those unexpected bullseyes.
chain connects two pieces, distance
adjusted to match.
not too close, not too far.
room to breath with room to grow.

bow

i am not sure.

these trials i have encountered are not usual, for me at least. life has been throwing curveballs quite effectively for quite some time. it is peculiar of me to post this sort of rhetoric, but to be more honest than i would like to, i am drunk and the paper is across the room from the wonderfully comfy and cozy bed i am currently in. i don't like associating alcohol with my posts (since most of them are posted during the school day).

explain it, let me know how these feelings began.

no, there is no explanation.

upside down, that's how i am pretty sure things are going to start feeling like.

in a funk

in a funk